Thoughts to Live By

When I wrote this, I was thinking of my nieces and nephews. I asked myself what lesson’s I’d like to share with them and just wrote down what came to mind.

Some things to live by: 

1. Love people well. 

2. Have values for yourself that are sacred to you. 

3. Live in alignment with your values. If one of your values is love - be mindful of ANY areas of your life where you have fear, hatred, or disgust in you. Allow those moments to invite you back into alignment. 

4. Don’t allow frustration or hatred to harbor in your heart. Have systems for cleansing your entire being on a regular basis. 

5. Take ownership and responsibility for your communication. If what you say to someone doesn’t communicate accurately what you were hoping, take ownership for that and go again.

6. Learn mindfulness and meditation.

7. Take cold showers and ice baths. There is so much to learn from being uncomfortable.

8. If you have hatred in your heart towards someone else - that is on you. It is not about them. It is about your willingness to allow hatred. 

9. Done is better than perfect. 

10. Discipline is superior to motivation.

11. An amateur practices until they can play it correctly. A professional practices until they can play it incorrectly. 

12. Live life with a desired breakthrough in mind. 

13. Get really good at clearly defining the problem. 

14. Find problems worth solving. 

15. You have a plan. A time traveler from 10 years in the future appears and tells you your plan failed. Which part of the plan do you think is the one that fails? Fix that part.

16. To start defining your problems, say out loud “everything in my life is completely fine.” Notice what objections arise.

Starting and Ending Meetings on Time

One of the biggest issues we come across with our clients is people being late to meetings or calls. This is due to a number of factors, with the leading culprit being that the previous meeting ran long (oh don’t they all). And, if you are like so many of our clients - you are on back to back 60-min meetings all day long, to which you are late to most of them and utterly exhausted at the end of the day. 

Here is the simple solution that we often share with our clients. But before I jump into this - you might want to believe that it can’t be this simple. To that, I’d invite you simply to consider this as an option. Some of this will assume that you are leading the particular meeting. If you are in a setting where you aren’t leading the meeting - it is a bit different. However, assuming you are leading the meeting - try this: 

1. Think critically about how much time is needed if you have a clear agenda and stick to it - many people book 60-minute meetings that can meet objectives in 30 minutes or less.

2. Speaking of agendas, BE PREPARED before the meeting with a clear objective, decisions needed, and an agenda. Send ahead of time to the meeting participants - this will also help them be prepared and focused.

3. Shorten meeting times to create whitespace on the calendar. 60 minute meetings can be 45 minutes. 30 minute meetings can be 25, etc. 

4. Be clear with everyone that the meeting will start and end on time (so if people have important items - bring them up sooner than later). 

5. Invite everyone to be committed to ending the meeting on time (this way everyone gets 15 minutes to transition to their next meeting). 

6. Be okay with tabling certain less important topics and pushing them to a future meeting. 

7. Be clear with people in the meeting what it means to show up on time and prepared. 

8. Start and end the meeting on time. Do not let it morph from 45 minutes into a 60-min meeting. You want to clearly set a precedent. 

9. If you do all of the above, what we have seen with well-run meetings - is that you can get 95-98% accomplished in a well-run 45 minute meeting than a poorly run 60-min meeting. 

10. Enjoy your 15 minute transition time and short mental break before the next meeting. Breaks can be used for a mental recharge, or for sending out meeting notes, action items, etc. immediately after the meeting (while it's still fresh in your mind) - so you're not extending your work day just to circle back to something that took place earlier that morning.

If you are going to be joining a meeting that you aren’t leading, and if you have a time commitment after the meeting - our suggestion is to be clear with the people you are meeting with that 1) You have a commitment after the call 2) That your word/commitment is important to you and 3) You will be leaving the call at a certain time. And then, stick to it. Honor your word.

As you can see, most of the above is based on the idea that your word is really powerful. That when you say you will do something - you do it. I encourage you to honor your word and invite others to do the same. Most of our clients are astounded when they see the results of this come to life. Meetings become more efficient. People have more energy. People feel honored because you respect their time. Etc. 

And, if you do the math, it can save a lot of money. If you think about the hourly rates of people on the call, and then give them 25% of their time back each hour - that could save 2+ hours per day that they can now focus on refreshing their mind or getting other things done. If you add all that up, it can at times, depending on the company size, add up to thousands of dollars (or more) per day or per week.

How to Have Tough Conversations

I hope that you have are having important conversations right now. I hope that you have been pushed outside of your comfort zone. And I hope that you have been both listening and learning.

But a time of disruption doesn’t come without difficulty. Some of these conversations will be tough.

Here are some things that I have found helpful when I find myself in difficult conversations.

Come from a place of love in your heart. Choose a heart of peace within you.

In these conversations, we can only control ourselves. We can choose a heart of peace or a heart of war. A heart of peace invites peace. A heart of war invites war. I know it can be really difficult. I intentionally set aside time for me to get myself into the place I want to be when entering tough conversations. It doesn’t guarantee a perfect outcome, but it does help. And, I realize that I think much more clearly when my heart is at peace. 

Choose to care about the people you are speaking with. You can love someone as a person and still disagree with them. You don’t have to hate someone as a person in order to disagree with them.

I currently find it helpful to separate a person from their thoughts/beliefs/opinions. It allows me to love someone even when I disagree with their current thoughts, beliefs, or opinions. 

Be willing to be at least 1% inaccurate in what you currently think.

If I think I am 100% accurate about something - it is essentially a claim to be God. I love to ask myself, “If I was 1% inaccurate about this, would I want to know?” I ask this question not only of myself but also of others while in conversation. If someone isn’t open to being 1% inaccurate - I don’t see the point of the conversation. For me - the point of conversation is to learn new things and expand perspective. I think it is possible to learn to enjoy being wrong. Is the point to be 100% accurate? Or is the point to wrestle with the tensions of life, people’s experiences, and perspectives towards creating a better future for all? (Additional note: if I am needing to be 100% accurate or if I think I am 100% accurate - I can’t think of a more arrogant stance for me to take). Humility is being willing to admit that I am not as smart as I think I am. Let’s all be humble together. 

Speak from the heart. Speak from experience. Don’t hold back. Speak your truth.

I find it crucial to make a distinction between head and heart. When we are speaking from the head - it is more philosophical and heady and opinionated. When we speak from the heart - it is more experiential and connected to our heart and soul in the midst of things. This is a tough thing to write about - but when you experience this it makes all the difference in the world. One way to get at this is - instead of asking “What do you think about this…” - ask “How has this affected you personally…” If we can reframe questions this way - it helps us connect as people, it reminds that we are all humans trying to figure out this experiences, and it has a better chance at bringing us together to solve issues.

Be okay if things get tense. Take deep breaths. Slow things down. 

I find it resourceful to assume that there will be tense moments. That is part of the wrestling and working things out amongst different people with different experiences of life. Choose to not be afraid of tension. Notice when you get upset or frustrated and learn breathing techniques to help slow things down for you. Breathing oxygenates the brain and helps us think more clearly. (If you want to learn more about how to do diffuse tension, I talked about it more in this video. Click here)

Forgive yourself and others when frustrations rise and things are said spitefully in a moment.

Even in the weeks prior to writing this - I have let my frustrations get the best of me and said things in the heat of the moment. I even essentially hung up on a person I was talking with because I got so pissed off. Although I’m not particularly proud of this, I accept that at times, my amygdala is going to get hijacked and I’m going to get upset and at times act in ways that are inconsistent with what I’d say I’m committed to as a person. And in those moments, I can choose to forgive myself (and others) and then start over and go again next time. Life is about progress, not perfection. 

Resist the need to resolve everything right now. Be willing to pause conversations if/when needed. Create space. It’s okay to take breaks.

If things get tense, sometimes it is best to push through and sometimes it is best to take a break and give it some space. This allows our brains to have some space to think about things and reach new levels of clarity. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, we can become “emotionally drunk” and we all, at times, need time to sober up mentally and emotionally. Notice when you are emotionally and mentally drunk and know when you need to sober up. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is take a break.  

Start over a million times a day. Change happens one conversation at a time.

Give yourself permission to start fresh in every conversation. You may have said some mean things last time or let your anger get to you. This conversation is new. You are new. Allow yourself to be new. Change happens gradually and then suddenly. I don’t have to solve all the world’s problems in this conversation. If each person grew 1% in perspective - I consider that a win. Be okay with the small wins. The small wins lead to bigger ones. Be patient.

TEDx Lessons Learned

I sat down to think about all that I learned in the process of giving my TEDx Talk.

1. I learned that my capacity to be hard on myself is much much greater than I ever imagined before. I worked myself up for over 2 years telling myself that I had to get this thing perfect. I’m guessing this is why, immediately after the talk was completed - I had one of the most emotional experiences of my life. I began sobbing. I think I was just glad to be free of the pressure I had been putting on myself up until that point. 

2. Speaking is less about saying something super innovative and more about inviting the audience into a transformative experience. 

3. Just because I know how to talk about something and have implemented it into my life doesn’t mean I have to now be perfect at that thing forever. / I spoke about learning to dance with my dragons, and the moment I walked off stage, my dragons were still there - and I wish I could say I immediately danced with them when in reality - for a bit - they were kicking my ass. But later that night we began to dance again. 

4. I heard a quote recently that read “I rarely like the things that make me better when they are actually happening to me.” I love that and I don’t love that. And so I shifted it into “How can I fully love and embrace the things that make me better WHEN they are actually happening to me.” Because I don’t want to wait until later to enjoy them AFTER they have made me better. I want to enjoy it all. I don’t plan to get this perfect, but it is currently transforming my world. 

5. A few days after my talk, my sister Bethany texted me and said she had watched the talk for a 2nd time before going to work and that she cried quite a bit as she began to really understand what the talk communicated. That meant the world to me. Even if it only changed my sister’s life, I’d be so happy. 

6. A couple of weeks after the talk, my brother Tim watched it, and he said it caused him to see things about the world and himself that he’d never seen before and that he can’t wait to talk with me more about it. Similar to my sister Bethany, if it only changed my brother’s life, I’d be full of joy. 

7. After the talk and with realizing how much pressure I can put on myself - I decided to get back into therapy. I learned that when I reach for things beyond myself, I come up against all of these self-limiting beliefs and fears that would not occur if I just stayed in my comfort zone. And therapy has been an incredible resource in working through it all. 

8. I learned that I must write more. I love writing and yet it is the thing I avoid the most in life. I grew up in the midwest and at the time, it wasn’t cool to be a guy who had emotions and wanted to be a writer. I’m just now beginning to embrace this side of me that longs to be a writer and a poet. There is something inside me that comes alive when I write. And it is also one of the most challenging things for me to get myself to do. So I’ve recently hired a writing coach to help me stay on top of it and get all of my thoughts down on paper and I’m really excited about it.

Rackets: What are they and why they matter

Some characteristics of rackets:

• A racket is something that is unwanted yet persists in your life.

• A racket constrains your freedom to be and your freedom to act.

• A racket often presents itself as a repeated complaint. 

• The complaint can reveal itself as about being some way, or about doing something, or having something that is also present from time to time.

• A racket is a front designed to conceal payoffs that are happening behind the front. It is a front designed to make “the business in the back” seem legitimate and justifiable. 

• A racket is some sort of loss or struggle for a person. It looks like it is unavoidable and thus legitimate and justifiable. However, the loss or struggle is only kept in place to conceal payoffs for the person.

• A racket is fundamentally inauthentic. The loss or struggle is not authentic. 

• We will often have “seemingly genuine attempts” to resolve the racket but they always find a way to fail.

• A racket is accompanied by a story that occurs repeatedly about the way things shouldn’t be. This story is designed to explain, justify, and legitimize the persistence of what is unwanted. 

• This story you have occurs to you as fact or truth (you don’t realize it is just a story).

• Running a racket has you acting in a predictable and repetitive manner (like being frustrated, annoyed, suspicious, nice, or accommodating, over and over again). 

• A racket is something you particularly run when you feel as if you are dealing with a situation that occurs to you as threatening.

• A racket is kept in place ONLY to conceal a payoff.

• It is NOT about cause and effect - i.e. that something else caused you to respond a certain way. There is just your reaction. Take responsibility for YOUR reaction.

• Rackets are triggered by real or perceived threats to something you identify with. 

• Rackets are not bad.

• When your racket is unknown to you - it runs you. 

Major Payoffs of a Racket:

• Be right/Avoid being wrong

• Dominate/Avoid domination

• Win/Avoid losing

• Justify yourself/Invalidate others

Major Prices of a Racket:

• Affinity/Love

• Vitality/Well-Being

• Self-Expression

• Satisfaction/Fulfillment