Learning to Love Conflict: A Journey

Up until about 10 years ago, I absolutely hated conflict.

Now, for some reason, I actually quite enjoy it.

Here is a bit about my journey.

When I look back at the time I hated conflict, I observe the following:

• My self-confidence was much lower - causing me to feel afraid and somewhat powerless when thinking about conflict and engaging in conflict. I didn’t think I had the power to stand my ground.

• My curiosity was very low. This meant I went into conflict with an agenda of what I was going to say rather than with an honest desire to listen.

• I saw conflict as person A versus person B. (I now see it as person A AND person B versus the conflict in an effort to create a solid outcome).

• I neglected to do my due diligence in answering the question of “What is my goal with regard to this conflict."

• I neglected to get to a place where I was truly “for” the other person. Typically the other person was the enemy and so I had to live into this negative story I had about them.

When I think about enjoying conflict, I observe the following:

• My curiosity is my leading focus. I love finding other perspectives and the process of discovery.

• I have much less fear about the outcome. I love the process of exploring.

• I work very diligently to created my vision or desired outcome for the conflict. I am open and transparent with the other person about this. I ask them to open and transparent as well. That way we have our cards on the table and can work through them, ideally in a loving and curious way.

• I get to a place where I am truly and authentically “for” the other person. I choose to care about them.

• My self-confidence is much higher and thus I am not afraid that I will just simply give my power away. I know how to stand up for myself even if the other person disagrees with something we are discussing. I can stand up for myself while still loving the other person.

How I Decreased My Anger by 70%

There was a time in my 30’s when I became aware that for most of my life, I was a bit ashamed of myself.

As I looked backwards on my life, I realized that as a kid, I didn’t really know how to stand up for myself. I didn’t have much of a backbone nor much self-confidence. And honestly I’d say I was a bit of a wimp or a pushover. I largely felt powerless.

Of course this wasn’t ALL of me.

Looking back, I was incredibly loving and caring. I had a tender spirit that cared deeply for others.

As you can imagine, being a kid and not knowing how to harness this tenderness of spirit, I got hurt a lot. And most times didn’t know what to do with it.

All of this was a big revelation to me.

And I think this was what ended up creating a lot of the anger I have experienced in my lifetime. As far back as I can remember, I’ve had a bit of a temper and up until my late twenties, I didn’t know what to do with it.

But now that I can see a bit of what was creating the anger. That being that the way I consciously or subconsciously thought about myself in the past, present, and future. (Not the things that happened to me - which is a key distinction for me - because if it is because of the things that happened, then I necessarily give my power to the things that happened. If I take ownership for how I think about myself in the past, present, and future, then I retain my power).

And since in this approach, I own my power - I thus I recognize my ability to change the way I see things.

Meaning, I can be proud of myself in the past, present, and future. Consciously and subconsciously.

And this has caused my anger to decrease by 70% over the past few years.

And I’m really proud of that.

A Depressed Tiger at the Zoo

Most of us have seen wild animals at the zoo.

Some of us have seen them in the wild.

It is not hard to tell the difference between the two experiences.

Animals were not designed with a cage in mind.

And neither were your dreams.

Here is Why Impostor Syndrome is a Good Thing

Since when did impostor syndrome become a bad thing?

Isn’t it true that, if I am stretching myself beyond what I am capable of, that I would experience the feeling of being an impostor?

Impostor syndrome is essentially the feeling of being undeserving or illegitimate.

Therefore, if I am taking risks outside of my comfort zone - it means I am choosing to exists in space that are new for me. So how would I feel 100% authentic as if I had actually been there before?

Experiencing impostor syndrome is a good sign. It indicates you are growing rather than stagnating.

I’d be much more concerned if I were never experiencing it.

You are Dishonest with Yourself: Here is How

I was talking with a client the other day.

At one point I invited him to spend some time being still and then get to a place where he is honest with himself about his life, his leadership, his results, and his fulfillment.

He pushed back on my request stating that he said I was assuming he wasn’t being honest with himself.

I responded. “I clearly am stating that I think you are dishonest with yourself.”

He jokingly shut his laptop.

Up until that point, I think for him, he really thought he was honest with himself. I don’t know that it ever really occurred to him that he was being dishonest with himself in any areas.

It’s not binary.

I know he is not dishonest with himself in all areas or that it is the entirety of his being.

That’s not what I was inquiring about.

I wanted to know the areas he WAS being dishonest with himself.

Being dishonest with yourself can look like:

• Convincing yourself that you don’t know why you are stuck

• Blaming others for your problems

• Pretending that life as it is right now is how it will always be

• Convincing yourself you can’t have the life you want (ignoring the reality that you simply aren’t willing to put in the work).

• Complaining about your lack of time management yet doing very little about it. I.E. If you complain that you are too busy but haven’t read any time management books in the past year - you are being dishonest with yourself. Based on results, you don’t actually care.

• Convincing yourself that there isn’t a romantic partner out there for you…even though you’d really like that in your life.

• Etc.

The reality is, we are all dishonest with ourselves in certain areas of life.

Are you willing to get honest with yourself about your dishonesty and then work to do something about it?

Or will you keep complaining your life away?